The Campfire Chronicles 2: Lampposts in Winter
by Sannox
Summary: Zevran gives Alistair advice on seduction. Or is it the other way around?


Lampposts in Winter

'So, Alistair', said Zevran, as they stood together by the fire. 'I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with the warden, earlier'.

'Oh, you couldn't help, could you?' said Alistair. 'You couldn't help standing right next to us, all ears?'

'No need for the racist comments. No, I couldn't help. You know how it is. You do it too. There are no secrets round the campfire'.

'OK, I'll give you that. So what particular nugget piqued your interest? Let me guess. You want to offer me some of your oh so clever advice on pleasing the laydeez?'

'Well .. ' said Zevran. 'Did you just say 'laydeez'? You pronounced it like that?'

'You know me. Always one for a joke.'

'As you say. No, dear warden, I just wanted to clarify something that you discussed earlier?'

'And what would that be? My superior skill with a sword? My ..'

'You say you're a virgin. Is it true?'

'A virgin?' Alistair glanced around the camp. Leliana smiled from across the fire and gave a little wave. Sten stared pointedly in the other direction. He put his hand on Zevran's shoulder and lowered his voice. 'Let's go somewhere more private'

'Alistair, sweet man. I didn't know you felt that way...'

A few minutes later, they sat on a rough blanket under the stars, passing a bottle of fortified wine between them. Zevran filled a pipe with some damp, sweet Ferelden tobacco. The evening was warmer than usual, and the wind had stilled.

'On a night like this, I can see why you love your country', said Zevran.

'On a drunken night?'

'The quiet. The coolness. It's so hot in Antiva at this time of year, even at night. Muggy and sticky. But I wish I could be back ….'

'One day' said Alistair.

Zevran shrugged. 'Not without new content. I can never go home'. He took a few gulps of wine, wiped his mouth, and passed the bottle to Alistair. 'But that's not what we came here to talk about.. We're here to discuss your virginity, Alistair'.

'My famous virginity?', Alistair snorted. 'Hey, give me a go of that pipe.' Zevran passed it across.

'Yes' said Zevran. 'Is it true?'.

'What do you mean .. is it true? Why would I lie about something like that? Oh yes, I've had lots of S E X, but I think I'll pretend I'm a virgin and people will really think I'm a cool guy'. He laughed. 'Yes, good plan, Alistair'.

'So' said Zevran, 'is it true?'

'Of course, it's … ' Alistair sighed. 'No. It's not true'.

'Aha!' said Zevran. 'I knew it!'.

'Don't tell, will you?'

'Your secret is safe, my friend' said Zevran. 'But why pretend?'

'Why? Well, I was raised by the chantry, as you know'.

Zevran nodded. 'You were taught that sex was a sin. That you'd be struck by lightning if you did the deed. So ..'

'Obviously that just made it more attractive than it was already. ' said Alistair. 'We could barely think of anything else'.

'I can imagine', said Zevran. 'But I suppose the opportunities were limited?'

'Oh, they liked you to think that.', said Alistair. 'But there were more opportunities than you could shake a stick, or anything else, at', Alistair laughed heartily. 'It was the uniforms, partly. And the innocence. There's nothing birds like more than corrupting an innocent chantry boy'

'Birds?'

'We used to have competitions. I usually won'.

'I'm impressed.'

'I did have the advantage of my deliciously good looks. And sometimes I'd swear them to secrecy and roll out the 'bastard prince' story as well. That was particularly effective. Everybody wants a bit of royalty in them, know what I mean? 'How may I serve you, Your Highness?' He laughed. 'Happy days. Of course, fake innocence and pretty uniforms don't work for all of them. Sometimes you need more advanced tactics.

'Such as?'

'This is the trick. Avoid sex altogether, to start with. They don't want a guy who will have sex with any of the girls. You have to make them believe that they're special.'

'I see' said Zevran.

'You wouldn't do it normally. Oh no, no, no. But for her, you'd go against what you've been taught'.

'Does that work?'

'You'd better believe it. Alistair said. 'I learned to try harder. I used to bring them flowers. The chicks like the flowers' Alistair warmed to his subject.

'The … _chicks_?'

'A single red rose. They always go for that one. A guaranteed panty-melter'.

'Panty? Melter?'

'Yes. Are you writing this down? They love gifts. Not loads of them, but just something small and special. They …'

'Alistair?', asked Zevran. 'Are _you_ giving _me_ advice on how to seduce women?

You see, that's where you go wrong, Zevran, with all your 'Woohoo, I'm so good at sex!' stuff. 'Antivan whorehouse, this, I like sex, that, watch my seduction techniques, the other'. There's no mystery. No intrigue. No thrill of the chase. You have to make them work for it, or they don't think it's worth it.'

'I have never tried to seduce anyone by saying 'Woohoo, I'm good at sex!' I pay them compliments. I recite poetry. I ask if there's any rope around. I am a master of seduction, whereas you are a bumbling ...'

'Zev, mate, no offence intended, but I think my track record speaks for itself. How often do I get the girl?' Alistair gulped some more of the wine down and licked his lips. His speech was starting to slur a little.

'You have a point' said Zevran. 'Pass that wine'. The warming wine, the sweet-smelling smoke from the pipe and the cool sparkle of the stars made him feel a little relaxed, and he laid back on the blanket. 'So … you give them a gift?'

'At the right moment, yes' said Alistair. 'Don't make a big deal of it. But suggest that it is a big deal'

'And then ..'. Alistair leaned close, propping himself on one elbow. 'When they invite you to the tent … '

They were so close that Zevran could feel the warmth of Alistair's breath tickle his neck.

'… you say "no"' whispered Alistair.

Zevran looked at him. 'You … Now you are playing me for a fool, my friend. That would completely defeat the object, no?'

'Not if you want quality, rather than quantity. Build up the passion. They'll be gagging for it. By the time you "give in", there'll be no holes barred, if you get my meaning.'

'Don't you mean "holds"?'

'That as well'. Said Alistair.

'Hmm', said Zevran. 'Much as I pride myself on my powers of persuasion, I do not think anyone would believe I was an innocent virgin. But the simple gift and the refusal of sex may be worth a try. Thank you, my friend'.

'Glad I could help. Make them feel special, remember'.

'Does this .. technique …. work for men as well, Alistair?'

'How would I know?' said Alistair. 'I've never tried it on men. You know I don't cross borders'.

'I know' said Zevran, smiling. He passed the pipe to Alistair. In the dim light he could see Alistair's lips wrap around the stalk, and hear him suck in the bitter smoke.

'I really am a virgin when it comes to the stronger sex' said Alistair. 'We were taught that it was wrong. That we would be struck by lightning.'

'Truly, you have never licked anyone's lamppost?'. Zevran chuckled.

'No', said Alistair. 'Not even in the summer. I just …. never felt that way about other men.'

'I understand', said Zevran.

'Do you?' said Alistair. 'I thought I did.' He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, the moonlight glinting on his armour. 'But you're not other men, Zev'.

'No?'

The tobacco was finished, and Alistair scraped out the pipe bowl with a small penknife, tapping out the soot.

'You … I ….' he stood up and looked around.

He took a few steps away from the blanket, and returned clutching a pale deathroot bloom. He passed it awkwardly to Zevran.

'Do you know what this is?' he asked.

'Of course' said Zevran. 'I pick them all the time'.

'I saw it and thought, how could something so dangerous, be so compelling?'

The pale blossom swayed on its stalk.

'I thought I might … give it you, actually.' said Alistair. 'In a lot of ways, I think the same thing, when I look at you'.

'If you see any more, pass them on. I'm running low on poisons'

'I know it has been hard for you. I wanted to tell you what a rare and wonderful thing you are to find amongst all this … darkness'

Zevran picked up the bottle of wine and tipped it. A single drop fell to the ground. 'I suspected as much' he said. 'Is there time for another bottle, so that we can end up hugging each other and crying? Or shall we just pack up now and save ourselves the embarrassment?'

'Now if we could move right past this awkward stage and get straight to the steamy bits, I'd appreciate it'.

'The steamy bits? You are worse than I thought at holding your wine. Time to pack up, I think' said Zevran.

'I never thought …. I've led a sheltered life. I don't …' Alistair sighed.

'Spit it out' said Zevran, sitting up. 'Or swallow it'.

'What?'

'Whatever it is you're trying to say' said Zevran.

'Oh.' Alistair sounded flustered. 'I feel like a bumbling idiot'. He knelt down, next to Zevran.

'You weren't going to ask me to your tent, were you? Only, I was going to say no.' said Alistair.

'You're trying to see if it works, aren't you?'

'See if what works? No, I'm just trying to tell you, in my awkward way, what I feel about you. I've never lain with a man, but you, you are .. 'When all this is over, the fighting, the endless hanging about at the campsite, the inadequate number of tents, will you miss it?'

'Considering that next round I'll probably get executed at the ambush again, yes, I will'.

'It might sound strange, but I've come to care for you. A great deal. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Am I? Fooling myself?'

'If you're trying to seduce me, then yes, you're fooling yourself'.

Alistair sighed. 'Women are so much easier! I admit it. I was trying to see if it worked with men. Maybe it doesn't work with you. But it does work with women. Honestly.' He helped Zevran to pack up the blanket.

'You are not a virgin when it comes to men, then?' asked Zevran.

'Of course not. I was raised in single sex dormitories. What do you think we did? It wasn't my thing, as such, but it certainly passed the time'.

'You're not used to seducing men, though.'.

'I never needed to bother. They were too busy seducing me, if I say so myself. I just had to stand there, looking pretty'.

'And it's a good thing you are pretty, because your seduction attempts would have got you nowhere'.

'Didn't it work just a little bit? In a "poor, innocent, confused, but hot, obviously, chantry boy' way?

'It would work if you wore the uniform'.

'Then let's hope the Circle is the next stop', said Alistair, with a wink.


End file.
